Welcome to Ask Dr. Monica, a space where real questions from military spouses get honest answers from a licensed therapist who understands the realities of military life.
Dear Dr. Monica,
I’m a Marine Corps spouse, and lately I’ve been struggling with a feeling I don’t like to admit out loud…resentment.
I’m proud of my spouse’s service. I believe in what they do, and I’ve willingly stepped into this life. But over time, the constant moves, the career sacrifices, the solo parenting during long stretches, and the expectation to “just handle it” have started to wear on me. What makes it harder is that from the outside, it feels like I’m supposed to be grateful and resilient all the time. And I am…until I’m not.
I find myself resenting the Marine Corps for what it’s taken from our family, and sometimes even resenting my spouse, which brings on a lot of guilt. I don’t want to feel this way, and I don’t want it to impact my marriage or how I show up for my family.
Is this normal? And how do I work through resentment without feeling like I’m failing at this life we chose?
Sincerely,
Trying to Stay Supportive but Feeling Worn Down
Dear Trying to Stay Supportive,
First, thank you for saying out loud what so many Marine Corps spouses whisper only to themselves in the car, at 11pm, or after everyone else is asleep. Resentment. It’s one of the most human emotions we have, and one of the least welcome at a military spouse coffee group.
So let me say this clearly: What you’re feeling is not a character flaw. It’s a signal.
Resentment is almost always the emotional residue of repeated unmet needs — the cumulative weight of giving more than you’ve received, adjusting more than you’ve been accommodated, and smiling through more than anyone should have to. PCS orders don’t ask if it’s a good time. Deployments don’t check in on your career trajectory. And the culture of just handle it doesn’t leave much room for “actually, I’m struggling.”
And the resentment toward your spouse? I hear you. It makes sense that the person closest to the mission becomes the face of what the mission costs you. The guilt that follows tells me you love them. Guilt is what happens when our feelings bump up against our values. The resentment isn’t evidence that you’ve failed, it’s evidence that something needs attention.
Here’s what I want you to do with it:
Name it without shame. Resentment that gets buried leaks out sideways as irritability, withdrawal, or a slow erosion of intimacy. Naming it moves it through rather than storing it.
Get curious about the unmet need underneath it. This one takes some quiet and some honesty. Is it grief over a career set aside? Loneliness from constantly rebuilding your community? The exhaustion of carrying more than your share? When you identify the actual wound, you can start asking for what you actually need.
Talk to your spouse, not to assign blame, but to reconnect. Many military couples are shocked to discover they’ve been grieving the same losses in separate silos. Opening that door, even imperfectly, is an act of intimacy.
And consider talking to someone. As a therapist and a military spouse, I can tell you there is nothing weak about getting support. Look for a counselor who understands military culture. It makes a real difference.
Resilience is not the absence of hard feelings. It’s what happens after you let yourself feel them. You don’t have to choose between being proud of your spouse’s service and being honest about what it costs you. Both things can be true. You’re not failing at this life. You’re being honest about it and that kind of honesty is an act of love toward yourself, your spouse, and the life you’re still building together.
With you in it,
Dr. Monica
Dr. Monica Reintjes is a Licensed Professional Counselor, PhD in Educational Psychology with an emphasis in Development and Learning, and military spouse. She is the Clinical Director of Reintjes Counseling & Consulting, specializing in trauma and military family mental health.
When not working, she enjoys traveling, exploring coffee shops, making cheese boards, cooking, and spending time with family and friends.
Disclaimer:
The content provided in Ask Dr. Monica is for general informational purposes and reflects the professional opinion of the author. It should not be considered a substitute for medical, psychological, or mental health care from a licensed provider.
The Marine Corps Association and Behind the Camouflage do not provide clinical services through this column. If you need professional support, please contact a licensed provider or Military OneSource at 800-342-9647.
